The Here & Now

I have fallen into that all-too-familiar trap again of trying to read God's mind. There are things that I want, things that I think need, and I find myself wondering why God doesn't think I need them too, or if He does, why isn't He giving them to me yet? At evening mass on Wednesday, we discussed during the homily being ready for what God has in store and being willing to answer His call. But we also talked about being where we are, when we are and not living in the past or the future. The priest said, "Our God is a God of the living; of the now." Just because He always was and always will be, doesn't really mean the same applies to us. Our call is to live and love exactly where it is that He has put us. It's an inspirational, though oftentimes daunting, thought when we realize that not only did God design us with a purpose in mind, but also a time. There are things He wants of all of us that wouldn't be possible one hundred years into the past or one million years into the future.

I can identify with and accept half of this "here & now" idea. I completely understand the not dwelling in the past, because there is no changing it, so that is easy for me to grasp. It shapes us and then it is finished. But trying not to focus on the future? That's definitely new to me and I am not sure how I feel about it yet, but I'm pretty sure I don't like it. First off, I am in college and every day here is another day closer to a world I have never been in before. A hefty majority of what I think about is the future; my next step is not guaranteed.  No one's next step is, but here I am at the verge of the "real world" and I have no clue where it will take me.  Even more than that, the future is this blank canvas; it isn't tainted or decorated yet and it is at my very fingertips.  Why wouldn't I want to think and pray about the possibility that lies there?  Try as I may have in the days since that homily to be very in the present, I still find my mind drifting to those prayers of things I would love to have or do in the future.

At work today, I had to make some campus deliveries, which is mostly just a lot of walking around campus in the 10 degree weather. All that time with myself, without iPod or cell phone, makes me think (sometimes more than I should).  I was thinking and praying, nearly pleading with God to reveal Himself or His plan to me. I walked into the science building to make a delivery and I was totally lost. I have not spent a lot of time in the building, but that which I have has been spent in the basement, where the labs are, and the first floor, where the lecture halls are.  The top floor, full of the offices, is somewhere I had never before ventured. I was disappointed to find that, despite the clean layout of the basement and first floor, the second floor was a labyrinth of hidden classrooms and offices, twisting every which way with a room number pattern that I could not follow at all.

Between classes, building are pretty much devoid of any students, save those who are students who are absorbed in their studies, so I was alone in my quest. But all of a sudden, my chemistry professor from last semester appeared and showed me the way.  It was such a small act of convenient kindness for him - he was passing by anyway and we were able to catch up about the new semester for a brief moment.  But in my state of prayer, I understood it to be more than that. For me it was a moment of God saying, "Look. I will get you exactly where you need to go, exactly when you need to be there, in ways you may or may not expect. So trust me, because I know that I am doing." 

I know myself, and come next month or next week, or even tomorrow, I will get restless again and think about the future and where I get to go next. But for today, and today is all I can promise, I will let guide God me through until tomorrow.