Doors

Once, when I was a little kid, my mom took me to the public library. I had to run inside and return a book, so she waited in the car. When I approached the automatic door, the door did not open. I'm not sure if I didn't weigh enough, wasn't tall enough, or just wasn't in the exact right spot, but I stood on that mat and nothing happened. I jumped up and down, hoping to get it to work, and it finally did.

This story popped into my head this morning as I was meditating on all of the opportunities God has blessed me with. I can't speak for everyone, but I have a feeling I'm not alone in picking one door I want Him to open and sticking to it.  Left and right, God in His infinite wisdom is swinging doors open to all sorts of new things that I would love if I tried, but none of them are the door I have in mind. So I stay there, on the mat in front of the door I have chosen, and I do whatever it takes to get it open. I jump, I flail, I bargain, and I pout. To no avail.

I think what I forget is that I am exactly like my little kid self. If I had had my mother with me at that entrance, the door would've swung open instantly, permitting me to go inside. But she wasn't. Trying to embark on something new alone is the exact opposite of what the Lord wants for us. For a long time, I never considered that image of God opening doors as the beginning of something, or, rather, for what it is: an invitation. I just assumed that image stopped there. That God nonchalantly strolls down this long hallway that looks like dressing rooms and picks and chooses doors, and my job is to chase Him and try out doors if I so desire. But the more I reflect on it, the more it seems that God is a gentleman, holding the correct door open for me and waiting for me to get there so that he can join me inside and continue guiding me after I'm committed.

The Meaning of Freedom

I was blessed to spend five days at the end of January on a trip to Washington, D.C.

On the Friday I was there, I marched for Life.

On the Saturday, I went to the museums and the memorials in the city.

As I was looking at all of these amazing people, men and women, who gave their lives to creating this country, I couldn't help but wonder if they'd be disappointed with it today.  These people, whom we as a country honor in memorials and statues and museums dedicated their entire lives to a fight for freedom. But that's not really what we're living.  I like to believe that the country and the freedom that they envisioned was one of possibility and dreaming. They wanted the people of this fantastic nation to be able to be free to do whatever they could possibly imagine; to reach their highest potential. But what we've become is the opposite. Largely, we are treating liberty as freedom from responsibility. We are using the freedom to choose to live our lives as we please as an excuse to eat whatever we want, complain about whatever we want, and have sex without consequences. There is no liberty, nor justice, in the killing of an unborn child. When our forefathers spoke of "Liberty and justice for all" there was no footnote that said "Unless they aren't born" or "Unless they were conceived in rape".  The right to protest was meant to change things for the better - not to give women the right to murder their own children within their own wombs completely free of any (legal) remorse or recoil. 

Free will has become something that makes people feel that they are somehow entitled to treat one another however they please without recompense. Free will isn't meant to allow us to be forgiven of our mistakes, it is meant to give us the brain power and will power to stand up and correct them.  We have to own up to the things we are doing wrong, as individuals and as a functioning nation. The minute we start looking out for only ourselves is the moment when we as a country will unravel.

We should fight for what we believe in. We should stand up for things and peacefully protest. But we need to do it for what it right. Can we really afford to have on our consciences living in a country where our leader says:

"Can we honestly say that we're doing enough to keep our children - all of them - safe from harm? I've been reflecting on this the past few days and if we're honest with ourselves, the answer is no.  . . . If there’s even one step we can take to save a child, then surely we have an obligation to try. . . Are we really prepared to say that we’re powerless in the face of such carnage, that the politics are too hard? Are we prepared to say that such violence visited on our children year after year after year is somehow the price of our freedom?”*

but does nothing about the 55 million babies killed in the last 40 years since Roe v. Wade passed, and do nothing about it ourselves?

Please don't misread this as anything less than a total respect and love for this country. The United States is such a beautiful place, and it really is full of possibility. I thank God every day that I live here and have the opportunities that are offered to all of us here, but that doesn't change the fact that I truly believe that being a United States citizen means more than what we're living it out to be.  And the fantastic thing is, because of our liberty, we can change this. We can make it so that every life is protected at every stage.

These are just some starting reflections and musings, but my heart has been shaken, moved, and inspired to be more active in the preservation of life from conception to natural death.

*http://www.npr.org/2012/12/16/167412995/transcript-president-obama-at-sandy-hook-prayer-vigil

The Beauty & Certainty of Always & Never

Being the writing/reading/language enthusiast that I am, word choice means a lot to me. As I was praying this morning, I was listening to a playlist of some worships songs that I really love. I was trying to pay attention to the words, today, instead of getting swept away in the music.  The overwhelming theme I found was that God is sure of Himself, and that means we as His children, can be comfortably sure of Him. 

There is this realization I keep coming to lately in prayer, and that is that God did not make things tough for us. Life can be tough, but God didn't make it that way.  (In fact, He made it perfect for us, in Eden.) Recently, I had the pleasure of speaking with a priest about this quandary on my heart of why life is difficult if God wants us to be happy.  I'd had a really bad day, and I was trying to see God's hand working in it.  For most of the things in the day - an unexpected 2 hour car ride, people flying into the wrong airport in the wrong city, a broken washing machine, and the like - I could come up with my own reason and tie it back to some lesson God wanted me to learn, like patience or flexibility. But there was one thing bugging me.  I had broken my toenails. An unfortunate meeting of my flip flops with a very heavy door was to blame, and I asked the priest in frustration, "I get the other stuff, the real trials with real lessons...but honestly, why break my toenails? What lesson was there? It just made me mad." The priest smiled and explained to me that there is a big difference between what God does and what God allows. God doesn't strike people down, but He allows them to fall. I think there could be many reasons for that, but the one I am reflecting on today is that God wants us to let Him care for us.

Life can be really difficult and trying at times, and it makes me wonder how I'm ever supposed to find God in the midst of all this noise, but what I'm finding more and more as I explore scripture, is that there is an answer for my questions.  The Bible really is a guide to life.

There is a verse in Corinthians that says this:
^" No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."  (1 Cor 10:13)

Basically, God understands that we're going to have it rough, but He will lovingly provide answers whenever we're willing to listen. It reminds me of my relationship with my mother. She's been my age, she's grown up and learned life lessons.  She knows, to an extent, what lies ahead of me as I enter into what it means to be an adult.  But she wants me to grow on my own, so she'll let me figure things out and we both know that when I come across a problem I just can't handle, she'll be there with the answer, waiting to help me with open arms.

And here's the best part, which is what the music was speaking to me today.  God's way is absolute; there are no ifs, ands, or buts. And that's what I was hearing in these songs - just one absolute after another. God will provide always. God never lets go. He always comes through. Nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38-39). There is no "sometimes" or an addendum that says, "...if you do such-and-such thing for Him."  My friend Luke recently spoke at a retreat I was on staff for, and he said, of prayer, that we fall into a trap of thinking we need to earn God's love, so we try to make our prayers something great and wonderful and wordy, when in actuality, we do not have to qualify ourselves to get His love.  We've already got it and nothing in the world will ever change that.

The Upper Room

Last weekend at mass, the reading was the story of Jesus coming into the upper room, where the disciples are hiding, to give them peace.  (John 20:19-23, for reference's sake).  My immediate thought, and the one I have been mulling over ever since is what is my Upper Room?  What walls in my heart, or in my life, really, am I hiding behind?  As far as the disciples knew, they were safe hiding there - no one knew they were there and no one could get through their locked door.  And that's exactly how I feel sometimes; I have this feeling or this pain that I keep to myself and I think, 'No one can see this. I can definitely lock this away and no one will even know it's here.'  I think for me, it is my fear. I am afraid a lot of the time of a lot of different things, but I make an effort to lock that door and keep anyone, and any peace, out.  So there were two conclusions I came to, thinking about this so much: 1) That I do hide things; sometimes without realizing it.  I keep myself busy from task to task and doing all of the things I think God wants of me, that I so often forget that there are things in the depths of my heart that need to be cared for.  Which brings me to conclusion  number 2, the more wonderful of the two: That God can defeat any obstacles I have (it says so, John 16:33), and He can and will bring peace into my heart, even in the deepest rooms where I hide things like my fear.

This idea isn't much yet, I am just sharing some musings 'aloud'.  It's just a work in progress - much like we are.

Live Like You're Dying

This particular idea has been on my heart for a few weeks but I haven't had a chance to sit down and write it!  Mostly, it started in my fantastic & absurd literature course.  We were reading this book called Death With Interruptions by Jose Saramago (it's a terrific read).  The premise is that death (a woman who spells her name with a lowercase 'd') decides she wants to take Death (the actual event of dying) away so that people learn to appreciate what it means to die and not fear or detest her for taking their lives.  In the novel, a society of people has to learn how to deal with people who are injured, sick, or dying - none of whom can actually pass to the next life.  When death returns from her experiment, she apologizes for the uproar she causes, and as repayment, vows that she will send everyone a letter one week before their death so that they may have time to get their affairs in order.

It begged the question, would we want a letter a week before our death - essentially, would we want to know we only had one week left?  Overwhelmingly, my discussion group said "yes".  The reasoning was so that they could say their goodbyes, make amends with enemies, and let bygones be bygones with everyone in their life.  The idea got me thinking about a country song my mom and I used to listen to when I was younger; the lyrics  talk about a man who urges another man to live each day like he were dying - to skydive and climb mountains and do fun things.  The last lyric of the chorus is "I gave forgiveness I'd been denying...someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dyin'".

To my group, I said, "This all sounds good in theory, but the reality is, we are all dying right now and we know it, but we aren't doing any of these things. Why would a time limit change us?"  I understand why a set number of days would change the hearts, but after a lot of meditation on this, I can't help but wonder why wait until you are dying to make peace with your life and the people in it? I want to be able to lead a life that is the best I can be and do all the time. I want to live in such a way that if someone told me I only had a few months, weeks, or days left, I would not have to, or want to, change to thing. It may be a little cliche that the best I can come up with is to tell the people you love that you love them daily, and to forgive people who have done you wrong because, after all, we all make mistakes, and  to thank God for all days, even the bad ones, because we learn something from all of them and He gave them to us with a purpose.  It may be cliche, but personally, I still find myself forgetting to do those things that seem so simple in theory.  I want to be at peace with the life I am living.

I think that with Lent ending and Easter just a two days away, my goal is going to be that I am aware of Jesus' Resurrection and presence in the world I live in right now, not just the one He rose in 2000 years ago, and to emulate that peace in my life.

Romans 12:18 "If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men."

We Will Rise Again From Ashes

Happy Ash Wednesday, all!

Here's why Lent is amazing: Every single day of the year, we should hear and respond to God's call to be closer to Him, but during Lent, we are called to take on His sacrifice in a more personal and devout way.  God says there is a time for everything (It's in Ecclesiastes 3, which is also the same place we find "All came from dust and to dust it shall return") and Lent is the time to put ourselves with Jesus in the desert, to learn, grow, listen, and to gain strength and knowledge for the next thing God calls us too. It seems kind of like school to me.  In life, we are never ever going to stop learning, but we do have a certain number of years set apart specifically for the learning process - which then becomes a foundation for the rest of our lifetime of knowledge.  Lent is like our spiritual school, where God teaches us about who He is and all He has done for us, and why that matters.  Then armed with our new understanding of the Ultimate Sacrifice, we can go out into the world and use it to learn about and understand everything else.


I have been praying for a few days now about what to hand over to God for Lent.  For me personally, this year, I am not feeling called to give anything up unless I am replacing it with something better. I think my goal as a Catholic, as a woman of God, and as a living breathing human being is to be aware.  I want to be aware that God is working, that He is alive and well in the world, but that He also died, and that death was for me and will not be in vain unless I make it that way by dismissing its power.  I'm not really sure, however, how I am going to do this. Fervent prayer and picking one Bible verse to apply to my day each new day is what I am going to try!

So today's verse (since I have already brought up the chapter) will be an awareness of God's infinite wisdom and plan, and the fact that it is not our job to figure it out:

"He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

Amen!

Just Passing the Time

It was unseasonably warm today, beings that it is January and 60 degrees.  Lily and I enjoyed the sunshine and cool breeze by taking a rather long walk around the town, going around campus and looping in and out of neighborhoods with pretty houses and cute families. We passed lots of people sitting on their porches, children playing in their yards, and dogs on leads loving being able to lay in the sun or see all of the people strolling by.

While we walked, we passed the neatest thing I have seen on an adventure in a while - an old mantle clock.  It was spray-painted gold with elaborate decorations, leaning against the trunk of a huge tree and for a minute, I felt like Scout and Jem Finch being given a secret gift by Boo Radley.  There was nothing drastically profound in this find, save the delighted lover of words and life within me that found the simple pleasure in the irony of "passing the time" while passing the time.  We stood for a few minutes just to decide whether or not to take the clock home, but decided to leave it right where it was.  It had made a home nestled into the earth, stuck at four twenty-eight.  I guess maybe you could stretch it and say there was a message of awareness tucked into that quaint little timepiece - our days will each be the same amount of time, so be cautious of the hours and how you want to spend them.  Or something like, "Be sure to love passing the time, and not let the time pass you by instead."
"Be sure to stop and smell the roses - and check the rose-bed for old treasures!"

Or maybe it's just a nice story about a sunny Monday afternoon.

God bless this week!

A No Drama 2012

I think that the New Year as a whole kind of dupes us. It is at the tail end of Christmas time, and not so far away from Thanksgiving as to separate it from the same holiday season. So the holidays are full of merriment, good food, family time, and most importantly, more free time. People get time off work, they spend hours on a plane or in a car where they can read or knit or do something they enjoy, they get a chance to sit back and watch a sports game. So after all of that hype, we get to December 31st and we think, "Of course I've got the time to ... pray more/eat less/hit the gym three times a week!" But now it is 14 days into the new year. We are back to school and work. Things need to be done and paid and finished.

On New Year's Day, I went to mass (It was a Sunday and it was the first day of the new year, how serendipitous!).  I was visiting a friend out of town so it was in a church I was not familiar with presided by a priest I did not know, but it was one of the most inspirational sermons that I have ever heard.  The priest, Fr. Patrick, challenged us to live a 2012 free of drama. I wanted to let him know that this idea was nice, but easier said than done.  Our society loves drama.  Last night Lily and I had some friends over, and her boyfriend told all of us about this commercial he saw for the TV show "The Bachelor" and it was just a seven second clip of a girl crying. All of the girls in the room agreed that the clip was a great way to get an audience because we were wondering: why was she crying, who made her cry, did she lose the game of love? I have often wondered why there aren't any television reality shows about Christians, and I think it's because when you trust the true love of God in your life, it's really hard to lose your cool or get melodramatic about things, because with trusting God comes the awesome peace of knowing that He will provide for you.  But that is not the case in mainstream society, because it thrives on drama.

Anyone who has ever been involved with a play or production of any type involving the dramatics knows that drama and attention go hand-in-hand. The world would be a different place if we recognized a plea for love and attention and responded in-turn with love instead of a cat fight, gossip, or anything else you could see on daytime TV.

When I woke up this morning, I had an idea for what I wanted this "No Drama" message to be about. But then I signed online and saw this story about a girl in a public school who wanted a banner of prayer to be taken down, and the follow-up story listing many, many comments from disgruntled people, labeled as Christians, who were saying awful things to and about her and using horrendously vulgar language to make their points known.  They were representing God by condemning this young girl and suggesting horrible things to her.  It's no secret that there is a chasm between church and state which at many times causes a chasm between citizens, but we have to remember that we are human and we are all doing the best we can.  The way to stand up for our religion or our faith is by showing people what it's about - love. I fear for myself and for my brothers and sisters in faith (who we are called to keep accountable) that we get caught up in the dramatics and forget what we're "fighting" for.

I want to issue the same challenge to you that Fr. Patrick issued to me; the challenge that I remind myself of every day, and a challenge that I think God calls us to in prayer: Live a No-Drama 2012.  Love above all else, and if you are going to call yourself a Christian, act like Christ. Don't get me wrong,  I definitely think it's really important to know what and who we are up against, but whenever we need to, let's take a serious look at our savior Jesus on the cross, freeing us from our sins, and remind ourselves that real love can truly conquer all.


I recommend all of the first book of Peter, chapter 4 to help guide you in this goal, but especially this verse:
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

The Here & Now

I have fallen into that all-too-familiar trap again of trying to read God's mind. There are things that I want, things that I think need, and I find myself wondering why God doesn't think I need them too, or if He does, why isn't He giving them to me yet? At evening mass on Wednesday, we discussed during the homily being ready for what God has in store and being willing to answer His call. But we also talked about being where we are, when we are and not living in the past or the future. The priest said, "Our God is a God of the living; of the now." Just because He always was and always will be, doesn't really mean the same applies to us. Our call is to live and love exactly where it is that He has put us. It's an inspirational, though oftentimes daunting, thought when we realize that not only did God design us with a purpose in mind, but also a time. There are things He wants of all of us that wouldn't be possible one hundred years into the past or one million years into the future.

I can identify with and accept half of this "here & now" idea. I completely understand the not dwelling in the past, because there is no changing it, so that is easy for me to grasp. It shapes us and then it is finished. But trying not to focus on the future? That's definitely new to me and I am not sure how I feel about it yet, but I'm pretty sure I don't like it. First off, I am in college and every day here is another day closer to a world I have never been in before. A hefty majority of what I think about is the future; my next step is not guaranteed.  No one's next step is, but here I am at the verge of the "real world" and I have no clue where it will take me.  Even more than that, the future is this blank canvas; it isn't tainted or decorated yet and it is at my very fingertips.  Why wouldn't I want to think and pray about the possibility that lies there?  Try as I may have in the days since that homily to be very in the present, I still find my mind drifting to those prayers of things I would love to have or do in the future.

At work today, I had to make some campus deliveries, which is mostly just a lot of walking around campus in the 10 degree weather. All that time with myself, without iPod or cell phone, makes me think (sometimes more than I should).  I was thinking and praying, nearly pleading with God to reveal Himself or His plan to me. I walked into the science building to make a delivery and I was totally lost. I have not spent a lot of time in the building, but that which I have has been spent in the basement, where the labs are, and the first floor, where the lecture halls are.  The top floor, full of the offices, is somewhere I had never before ventured. I was disappointed to find that, despite the clean layout of the basement and first floor, the second floor was a labyrinth of hidden classrooms and offices, twisting every which way with a room number pattern that I could not follow at all.

Between classes, building are pretty much devoid of any students, save those who are students who are absorbed in their studies, so I was alone in my quest. But all of a sudden, my chemistry professor from last semester appeared and showed me the way.  It was such a small act of convenient kindness for him - he was passing by anyway and we were able to catch up about the new semester for a brief moment.  But in my state of prayer, I understood it to be more than that. For me it was a moment of God saying, "Look. I will get you exactly where you need to go, exactly when you need to be there, in ways you may or may not expect. So trust me, because I know that I am doing." 

I know myself, and come next month or next week, or even tomorrow, I will get restless again and think about the future and where I get to go next. But for today, and today is all I can promise, I will let guide God me through until tomorrow.

Believe

I love everything about the Christmas season; family time, cookies, giving gifts, snow, being home, and all of the delicious food, but I especially love Christmas movies. No matter how often I watch these movies, I always learn something new every year when they make their way back to the forefront of my viewing list.  This year, the message that struck me from every movie that I watched was: "Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing."  Try as society might to separate Christ and Christmas, it just is not possible, because Christmas is all about faith.  It is about believing in something that no one can see or understand and relying on our hearts to believe something far beyond ourselves. The way that we all relate to God and His Presence in the world follows this "Believing is seeing" principle pretty well, I think.  It's all got to do with giving credit where it is due.  By believing in God and all of the blessings He showers me with, I can see that every good thing in my life is a direct gift from Him because of His Love for me.  Once, someone tried to argue my faith with me and said, "Of course you see God in things, you are looking for Him there." But that makes the most sense, doesn't it? Sure, it would be nice to stumble upon money on the side of the road, and I do believe that God works in sporadic, surprising ways, but more often than not, if someone is hoping to get money, they need to be proactive about it - buy a lottery ticket or work an extra shift somewhere. If you are searching for something, open eyes to find it are a necessity.

If you have not seen the movie The Polar Express, I definitely recommend it because it beautifully represents what it means to believe.  There is a scene when Santa Claus is right in front of the young, doubting boy, but because the boy has not owned up to his faith, he cannot actually see Santa; there are too many obstacles. These obstacles work against us, too, because overcome with obstacles only makes it harder to believe there is anything worth working towards, but God is there on the other side, arms wide open.  When we chose to believe in God and all that He has the power to do in our lives, our eyes are opened to His glory and we can see far beyond our obstacles and what our Earthly eyes are capable of seeing.

Have a blessed and merry Christmas!

Compassion

Tonight, I am longing to feel God's Presence.  I connect really well to spiritual music, so I am watching all of these music videos of Christian songs. Almost every single one shows tons of faces of people just like me, who all look like they are searching. Most of these videos incorporate, in some way or another, the messages on the hearts of these people. They reveal their secrets, their struggles, and their crosses.  As I watch these faces on the screen of my computer tonight, I cannot help but wonder how everyone got this idea that everyone around them is so different, or so tough.  It seems to me that for a world that so obviously has so much hurt within it, the problem is so often other people not showing the necessary love.  As in, I look at the face of this girl I have never seen before and do not know personally on a music video that I like.  The words next to her teary-eyed face say: Broken Relationships, and I am moved with compassion for her.  But the person in front of me while I am trying to get to class is walking slow and all I can focus on is how much of an inconvenience that is. Who knows what they are dealing with on their heart, how their day is going, or who they are at all - all they mean to me is the speed at which they are walking in that one moment of my entire life.

We seem to live in a world where unless you wear your heart on your sleeve, you will not get much sympathy; and sadly, even then, compassion may not come.  Something that I try really hard to do all the time is to assume I know nothing about anyone or anything.  To give everyone the benefit of the doubt from the get-go and really live out the Golden Rule of treating others how I would want to be treated, which, when you put a word to that (or two, because I am a word-person) it would be love and compassion.  God doesn't call us to be compassionate to those who are hurting; He calls us to so much more.  I guess what all of these rambling thoughts boil down to is that the amount of care that we are meant to show one another should not vary based on what we can or cannot see - it should solely be based on the fact that God shows us infinite and unconditional compassion, and it is our privilege and call to show that to the people around us.

This song really captures this message, as well as is one of the songs I was talking about:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA&feature=related

Courage

I love the word "courage".  It is so rarely used and I wonder if that is because it is a pretty rare virtue.  Right now, I am working on a paper for a class.  The guidelines are relatively lax, so I have decided to write my paper on the emotional benefits of living a chaste life before and after marriage, which includes abstaining from sex outside the bonds of marriage.  I am finding it easy to talk about the Catholic faith and the love that we as humans are called to live out, as well as the respect and dignity we each have just because God made it so.  But as I come closer to the end, my own passion frightens me. Tomorrow we will peer edit and I find myself wondering, "What if someone who doesn't practice chastity reads this paper?" or worse, what if someone thinks me to be judgmental and completely misses the point of the paper - that all life is to be respected, at every stage, in every way.  Then a small voice of courage says in my heart: what if someone needs to hear this? What if by writing about something that I believe in and putting it in God's hands, someone will read something they have never heard before and it will touch their heart in the tiniest way?  Perhaps what this means is that courage is not taking what God has given us and doing what we can with it, but giving back to God what we cannot do alone and standing up right next to Him when the moment comes, instead of cowering behind Him.  I have to think that God could definitely change the world on His own - He did create it, after all - but there must be some unknown reason that He chooses to work through us in the virtues. A reason he calls us to courage.

Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.- Philippians 4:6

Forgiveness

An art form that I have yet to perfect. I have been mulling over it the last few days, trying to figure it out.  Heaviest on my heart is the difference between forgiveness and consent.  In my head, I think that I mix up what it means to forgive someone and what it means to "teach them a lesson".  If I forgive someone a wrong they have done to me, they may not know that it hurt me and they may keep doing it, and for that reason, I am hesitant to release my grudge.  In the past few days, I have been hurt a few different times by a few different people that are close to me.  I have watched my roommate Lily wake up every morning and greet the day with a clean slate.  She holds no grudges and every day is a fresh start, which I really admire.  It is a difficult challenge to forgive through so much hurt, but maybe that it our call; maybe God was not being so figurative when He instructed to forgive 7x77 times in the Bible.  I think my goal for the week is to try and live each day as it is presented and only when it is presented. I pray that I may live directly in the light of this day and not in the shadows of yesterday behind me or the mystery of the darkness in tomorrow, yet to be revealed.

Guidance

Today was the last day of my week of a fantastic spiritual direction retreat.  I was blessed to spend a few hours this week talking and praying with my new friend Sr. Ellen, and she had a lot of wonderfully wise things to say as well as beautiful ears to listen.  We talked and shared about a lot of things and today we talked about being ministers to one another and how, although she was the director, we both got something from meeting one another this week.  I have never sought out spiritual guidance of any kind because I never figured I had any questions so profound or paths so unknown ahead of me, but what I learned this week and what I am meditating on is what "guidance" is.  Here's what I have come up with, roughly: Maybe guidance is not actually leading someone else anywhere.  Maybe guidance is hand-in-hand with companionship and likewise with our call to walk with one another.  I am thinking of those team-building activities when one person has to wear a blindfold and the other holds their hand and helps them around various obstacles and wondering if those games are exactly on the mark.  We are all just blindfolded at one time or another and God flawlessly pairs us with a person who can see to walk with us to where we need to get next, so that we can return the favor to whomever else we led to. Just some rough thoughts before turning in for the night.


My guidance for anyone who is listening:
"Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord." Hebrews 12:14

Friendship

My dad always tells me that if I can find one good and true friend in life, then I am luckier than most people. I do agree with this, but in the same way, I am definitely blessed in this life with really wonderful friends. They remind me daily of God's Love in my life by their sheer presence.   We all lead busy lives and school is hectic for us, but this week we were blessed with some incredible quality time, and it really gave me a delightful reality check.  I am learning more and more what it means to be a true friend to someone else.  Here are some things I have learned:
1. Hearing is not the same thing as listening. Voices don't want to just be heard, they want to be listened to.  When a few of my friends and I hang out, we always try to put everything else away and eliminate distraction so that we can be totally attentive to one another.  Those are the closest friends that I have because through our active listening, we have learned so much about one another and can be a better friend because of it.
2. Positivity is really essential to a healthy relationship.  I am not saying that we shouldn't be sad or vent around our friends, I am saying that just because you are close to someone does not give you the right to make fun of them, put them down, or discount their opinions.  Honesty is really important to friendship but so is tact.
3. Presence is powerful.  More than ever as I am growing up, I am coming across problems that have no immediate solution.  They are the type of things that are the part of God's plan He will reveal in due time, but in the moment of stress and heartache waiting for that moment, it is sometimes really wonderful just to have someone to sit with.  When in doubt, be a presence.  God does not always talk when we sit with Him; in fact, most times, our hearts are so loud, I'll bet He couldn't get a word in edge-wise. But just being, just sitting in His very Presence can calm the most troubled soul.  A better example of being present to the people you love just doesn't exist.
4. Finally, gratitude goes a long way.  It is so important to thank your friends for what they do in your life, but especially to thank God for who He has given you. My friend Von and I used to talk about how sometimes we think that everyone has been assigned a mission for this world and God knows what it is.  Our job is not to figure out the mission but just to live as we know we are called to and every person we meet will learn from us what they need to because God will orchestrate it so. Friends are some of the most influential people we have in our lives, and thank God for that!

John 15:13 There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends.

Beauty

Today I am having a really good hair day!  Does that mean that today I qualify as beautiful? Or just my hair? What about tomorrow when I want to sleep in and not put the extra effort into fixing it? Will I not be beautiful anymore? Is beauty something that you can attain and then lose?

There are so many facets to beauty: beauty in nature, beauty in poetry, the Beautiful People of Hollywood, real beauty, fake beauty, inner beauty, and outer beauty. But the one I am most drawn to is the beauty of other people. When I was in eighth grade, we went on a retreat for one Saturday all day, and a prayer we learned on that retreat was, "God, help me to see myself through Your eyes, so I can see how wonderful and beautiful I really am."  I prayed that prayer from eighth grade and it did great things for how I saw myself on the outside, so I tweaked it a little, to see if maybe it could help how I was on the inside. I started praying, "God, help me to see other people through Your eyes, too, so I can see their wonder and beauty."  I think that the most influential thing that this prayer showed me was that beauty and worth are so connected, which society has already shown us: the prettiest people get the most attention and stuff.  I think, though, it is completely backwards. What it should be is: the worth that God has created within you is manifested in the beauty of the heart He created for you.  And the most incredible part of this is that, unlike Hollywood "beauty", this worth does not have to be earned, coated on, or achieved: we are all born with it!  Being created in God's image and likeness has filled us with worth, simply pouring over the depths of our souls, and we are all so beautiful because of it.

God's Love and worth are true, but that does not always mean that our human minds can understand it, and because of the beauty before worth mentality, I find that a lot of people (myself included) see themselves as unworthy of things like God's Love or respect from others.  At the very least, we end up viewing beauty on a day-to-day, outfit-to-outfit, mood-to-mood, or sin-to-sin basis.  I have been hoping and praying for words to share with people to tell them, and to reassure myself, that this simply is not true. God's Love and our worth in His eyes and truth are not fleeting, and today my mom sent me a music video that I think sums it up absolutely perfectly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oF5CjtrIl_c&feature=related

Care

Today's post is dedicated to my most avid readers, my Grandpa Joe and my Grandma Vicki, who incidentally also inspired today's word!  The word "care" is so common; caregivers, caretakers, "I don't care," carebears, and even a new nanny website called something like "care.com".  It is ironic to me that when things surround us in such a strong way, it is sometimes so easy to totally for get the meaning or weight of it. Care is something that is so powerful; it is saying to someone, "I will do what is best for you because your happiness will make things better for me, too."  I am blessed to be surrounded by people who care about one another in a big way.  My roommate and I have been talking for months about what incredible gifts from God our family and friends are because we know that they would do anything for us, and we would do likewise without hesitation.  This is care in its truest form, wanting the best for people you love just because you know they deserve it as God's own.

Lately, I have been trying to have an inner peace and be aware of all of the positive things going on in my life.  When my grandparents text messaged me today and told me that they missed my thoughts on this blog, it was like God showing me a huge beam of sunlight, revealing His awesome care through them.  I am inspired to let the people that I care about know that I care about them the way my grandparents did for me today.

(I love you both!)

Growth

After a long summer of busy plans and sunny days, I have returned.  As I enter my third year of college, I cannot believe how much I have grown and learned in just the past two years; really even the past twenty.  It's astounding to me how much knowledge we can acquire, and how real thought is even though it is totally intangible.  I find myself really often looking back on things that I have learned, and stretching my head forward to see what I will one day learn, and today I started to think about how much I am capable of growth right where I am.  In fact, I am wondering if maybe all of the change happening around me while I am seemingly standing still is actually making me grow more as a person, where it counts.  There is such a world of a difference to grow up in the world, and to grow up within yourself.  While I am learning how to calculate statistics, I am also learning certain things who I am and what it means to live up to that title.  I always have been told that every experience is opportunity to make a choice, and I think that these moments I am learning and living through are becoming some of the most defining moments.

Blessings

This week, I picked up my devotional book again. I hadn't been reading it for some time, mostly just because I had forgotten about it. The whole message I got all week was to open my eyes to God working in my life. At first, I sort of blew it off because I know that God is working in my life; I can already see it. But through the week, I realized that knowing and recognizing are two different things. My eyes were opened to so many blessings this week, so I decided this week to make an effort to do two things: 1. I would talk to God before anyone else about things I was happy about or that were upsetting me, and 2. I would try and find the blessing in every situation. It was tough at first, but by the end of the week, it was simple. God's blessings and His love are so abundant that it was no trouble at all to want to thank Him for all He has done; in fact, I was bursting with it!

The things that really changed my heart to being open was this: Earlier this week, our church youth group went on a float trip. I am an adult chaperone, so I drove three teenage girls down. Among many funny topics that they discussed in the back seat (why is your reflection upside down, how fun is it to repeat the word "viscosity" after you have just learned it, how many people do we all know who have our same name), one of the younger girls said with a bit of frustration, "You know, I remember when the toughest decision that I had to make was what color crayon I wanted to use." I thought to myself, you are younger than I am, and I don't even have that rough of a life, what could possibly be your toughest decision?  It was not very compassionate of me, but I was put in my place as she continued, saying, "It's just that, I want to be able to enjoy this part of my life, but I don't know how to all the time. But then I wake up every morning. And I remember, that I was born in a great country, into a wonderful community and a loving family. We are just so blessed. All of us are just so blessed."

We all have different blessings, but the way that she not only knew them as fact, but recognized them as gifts in her tone of adoration, was inspirational to me. My prayer for this week is to see the world through God's eyes.

Solitude

Hello again. Today is the first sunny day in a while; it has been quite the spring as far as storms go. So I am sitting here, back in college-town for a few days, at the window of our Newman Center. One of my traveling companions is at work, the other at a park with her boyfriend. We have been together for 4 days straight now, because as traveling companions (and close friends) we share things like the key to the apartment we are staying in, the food we are eating, and the car we travel in.  Now that they are both away, I am having the first time by myself since Monday.  I like being busy, and I like using every moment of the day from the moment I wake to the one that I fall asleep, so I hardly ever stop to enjoy these moments of solitude.

I remember when I was in high school, my mom suggested at the time that I take a few days for some "soul searching" to figure out what it was that I really wanted and the life choices I really wanted to be making.  At the time, 17 year old me was pretty apathetic to the idea, but did it regardless and I actually did learn things. Now I love spending this time alone because I hardly ever spend time with myself - how many of us actually do? I think there is a huge difference between being alone on the internet, watching TV, or reading and actually spending time with ourselves. I have been talking to a lot of my friends lately that tell me they don't know what they want. I'm not claiming to have the answer to this problem, just suggesting that when I take the time to know myself, it is easy for me personally to see what I really want or like or have a talent for.

Anyway, nothing too earth-shattering here, just meditating on the beauty of solitude!